hear you me

May angels lead you in,
hear you me, my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go,
may angels lead you in.

Is it ever the "right" time for someone to leave this life? Sometimes a death is expected, other times it is the last thing you could imagine, but no matter the timing or circumstances, it is never easy. This week has been one that I hope doesn't become common for me, on Saturday our institute director Brother Van passed away and today one of Josh's best friends, Matt, also passed on. Two very different circumstances, but similar feelings could be found. At Brother Van's funeral service there was much talk of good times and most of it was spent honoring the many great things Brother Van had done in his life. You could tell that Brother Van was at peace as was his family. Matt's passing wasn't quite as expected. He was involved in an accident on Monday and didn't make it through his surgery today. I've never met Matt, but he knew who I was and wrote me a letter asking me to do him a favor. From his words I could tell he was at peace with whatever happened and that he was ok with dying. He was only in his mid-20's, but he knew that even when we aren't expecting things, we have to take them in stride. None of us know when our time here is going to be fulfilled, but that gives us every reason to live in the moment and love with everything that we have. We weren't sent here just to be alive, we were sent to live and to enjoy. Who knows the impact we might have on those around us? Who can put on paper the number of people we influence in one day? When our time comes are we going to be happy we lived, or disappointed that we didn't get enough time? The decision is ours and ours alone.

to all the crowded rooms

Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul.

All people enjoy music, but to truly understand music and feel the connection it has on the soul is a quality many strive for. To me, music is more than just pretty words arranged with a nice melody. Music is feeling, music is soul, music is passion. Take away any of those qualities and music becomes just a tune, background noise lost in the chaos of life. Whether it is the hauntingly beautiful melody, the steadily pulsing beat, or the astoundingly profound lyrics, a song will affect every person a little differently. The ability for music to cater to so many different personalities and still be sincere in every aspect is what gives a song it's true power. I have the utmost respect for musicians and lyricists because of the impact they've had, not only in my life, but in the life of so many of my friends. Music is one of the greatest things to grace this planet and my life has been changed more than once by music. Being able to be a part of the emotions created by a band is a feeling unlike anything else. Connecting with the music brings definition to times of confusion and struggle. I couldn't imagine a life without music, without the joy brought by the passion of creation.

And I'll give blood to your dry veins
We do this for the passion and not the fashion or fame

We will capture you in open arms
When you're tired and alone

thunder

one thing I really love about Texas is the storms. In Utah when it rains, it's just kind of depressing and cloudy and drizzly, but Texas, now that's a whole new story. Rains in Texas come with thunder, lightning, power. The pure beauty of a storm can only be appreciated with all the elements involved. Thrashing rain, cracking lightning, booming thunder, the elements that terrify you, yet amaze you at the same time. The power behind a storm is incomprehensible and unrestrained, it's a power similar to so many of the emotions we experience in our lives. Just as we can't control or predict a storm, our lives change so often that trying to work everything out is like trying to catch a storm. Emotions are unpredictable, people affect us in ways we didn't expect, we lose those closest to us. We are constantly rocked and battered by the storms of life, but is that a reason not to appreciate them? Yes, a storm can do so much damage, but think of the rain. Think of the life brought by what many fear. That's the thing about storms, they can be things of destruction or things of beauty. It's all in how we look at it. Perspective is everything in life. Those storms that may have seemingly destroyed everything may actually have been the best thing to happen in life. Some people don't realize that we're supposed to experience storms. Life isn't supposed to be perfect, we can't spend our whole lives trying to wait for that perfect opportunity. We can't spend our whole lives waiting for it to get better. We have to make our own lives better, we have to use the storms to help us grow.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass,
it's about learning to dance in the rain"

Coffee Break

Sometimes I have a really hard time realizing that I'm actually an adult. I no longer depend on my parents for things, I have a full time job, I'm going to school. I miss being able to just sit and watch Disney movies, being able to take naps during the day, being able to sit and read a book without a deadline. Now life is filled with being thrown into the fire and growing up a lot faster than anybody wants. Everyone feels like they have to be involved in everything and eventually we're so caught up in our responsibilities that time to relax and be free is nearly non-existent. Sleep begins to take a back seat so that we can socialize and have fun, but isn't that how life is supposed to be? Always full, never time to stop and smell the roses, never time to be young again. That's what it means to be an adult, right? Same might answer that with a yes, but I beg to differ. No matter what anyone tells me, I refuse to believe that being an adult means not getting to do what you want. Not getting to spend a day or two of life being a kid again.

'Cause I've overcommitted myself
I guess this is growing up
I'm sleeping so little these days
I guess this is growing up.

Sometimes I feel like I'm so busy trying to make my life work, trying to get an education and work and be better that I don't have the time to go frolic in the rain, I don't have the time to go roll around in the mud. But I guess this is growing up.

paper walls, shadows and regrets

"Let's take what hurts and write it all down
on these paper walls in this empty house
and when our ink runs out, we'll burn it to the ground."

We all have our own paper walls in life, paper walls filled with doubts, mistakes, or regrets. Everyone is going to regret a decision at one point in their life, everyone is going to make mistakes, everyone is going to doubt, however, the real question is how we deal with these things. The things we once did shouldn't have any control over how we now live, we have to burn through those in order to grow and become the best versions of ourselves. When we dwell on what once was, the mistakes we've made or the pain we've felt, we can't progress. Living in the past will never make our future better, life is now. Not a month ago, not four years ago. Now. Here and now is when we take all those hardships and regrets and use them to define us, to become all that we were always meant to be. Regret is a fact of life, but we can't regret forever. Maybe we made a bad decision, maybe we failed, but what if it happened like that for a reason? Life isn't perfect, it isn't supposed to be. It's supposed to test us, to make us realize that we are so much better than what we think. People severely underestimate themselves, we don't see how strong we are and that we were only given this life because we are strong enough to live it.

"and we hoped for the best
and let go of the rest.
The shadows and regrets,
we let go of the rest"

a twist in my story

We never really know what life is going to bring. We try and plan out every detail of our lives, but when it's all over do we go back and think, "my life went exactly as I planned it"? I beg to differ, we all have those visions of grandeur, the beautiful plans that will lead to eventual happiness and success, but it never happens like that. Where would the fun of life be without a little twist every once in a while? I've come to realize that we need to take life as it comes and be happy we've lived it to it's fullest. We didn't come to this earth to just be alive, to go through the motions and go step by step until we die. No we came here to live. To take life by the reins and make everyday better than the last. We can't always control our circumstances or experiences, but we can control our attitude and how we react to those difficulties which befall us. We can control how we influence others around us.



6 months ago I didn't even know what rugby was, but now life without it is incomprehensible. My college experience can't be separated from the game and I wouldn't have it any other way. My team means more to me than life itself.

and in the end... it all works out

After much debate and stress the final decision regarding South Africa was reached. Right now it's just not right for me and I have other things I need to be doing this summer. It's really hard for me to not go, just because of the immense opportunity it is, not only is it a place I've always wanted to go, but it's also the national rugby team. The possibilities for learning and becoming better are huge. but sometimes it's not in the cards, sometimes we don't know why we aren't supposed to do something, we just know it's not right. There's a quote I love that captures some feelings about hard decisions and about things that are difficult for us.

"...that pain you feel, that's life. The confusion and fear is there to remind you that somewhere out there, there's something better, and that something is worth fighting for."

We don't know what is in store for us, only God truly knows what the best path for us is and His guidance will never lead us astray. That I know and that is something which brings me a great deal of comfort. My life is mine to live and I don't know what's in store for me, but I do know that right now, I'm happy and in the end, that's all that matters