secret crowds

too often in this day and age we allow ourselves to get caught up in the turmoil and drama of everyday living. politics, hate, violence, suffering; it's everywhere. How are we supposed to enjoy life when all around is pain and pressure? Pressure to make decisions, pressure to look perfect, pressure to be involved in everything, pressure to fit in. Why can't we just laugh and play? When did success become all that mattered? What about happiness? Joy? Love? Love, a word that seems to have lost a lot of meaning in recent times. Love can bring us through any trial we face, any pain we feel, any hate we endure. Whether is be the love of a friend, husband, wife, significant other, or the love of God. η αγάπη κατακτά όλοι- love conquers all. Truer words have never been uttered. I've seen the results of love, I've experienced the power of it. Why does it seem that love is such a secret thing? It's like people are afraid to show love. Afraid of swimming against the current, afraid of ruffling feathers. Don't fear, just love. It doesn't matter who, just love everyone. Black, white, brown, gay, straight, male, female. Whoever you see just love. Would you rather have a future filled with happy memories of love and friendships, or a future filled with regrets and lost opportunities. It's up to us, we can change this world, we can make it better.

Let me heal you, carry you higher
Watch our words spread hope like fire
Secret crowds rise up and gather
Hear your voices sing back louder.

time and confusion

confusion is part of life, especially in college. There's always something to do and never enough time to do it in. Sometimes we get so weighed down with the seemingly insurmountable tasks before us that it's easy to give up, it's easy to be angry with those around us because getting angry at the assignments seems fruitless. Little things set us off more easily than usual and sometimes it's too easy to lose ourselves in the fray. It's too easy at these times to retreat to our rooms and be bitter about everything which lays before us, but it's at these times when we truly need others. It's at these times when we need to the outside opinion of those that care about us. It's at these times when we truly need our friends. No one knows us better than the people we associate with on a daily basis, those we consider to be our close friends. I've found some of my friends often know me better than I know myself. In the times when all seems lost and it feels like rock bottom will be our best friend forever we need to turn to those friends and ask for help. Not only ask for help, but accept help not asked for. We can't do this alone, if we were meant to go through life alone there would be no point in making friends at all. We're given souls that need companionship, souls that crave interaction.

And it feels like we could last forever
And I'm not doing to do this alone
When memories fade
We've got each other
When time and confusion collide

True joy is found in our relationships with those around us.

waiting game

do feelings really come in waves, or are we our own worst enemies? Bottling up emotions and pretending they aren't there until one day they're forced to make themselves known. In most cases we create the emotional drama that accompanies the life of any young adult. Fear overrides common sense and we put everything that threatens us into a compartment in the back of our brain, hoping it will just wither away and die. If this were the case though, we would never learn, we would never be able to grow and progress. Even though it's hard we have to take those emotions, everything that we fear will overwhelm us and rip us beneath the current, and accept them as part of life, accept that we are presented with trials and difficult times for a reason.

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

vegas skies

It's interesting to remember and recall events of years gone by and think about the feelings going through your head at some particular moment. Humans are very fickle creatures with ever changing and conflicting feelings, but I think sometimes we have to go down roads of feelings that aren't good because life isn't always going to be happy. If we went through life never experiencing pain or sorrow we would never grow, we would never be able to look around and appreciate what good there is. We can't always be happy, but the question is, what are you going to do when you've hit rock bottom? When nothing else seems right, do you turn to the heartache and darkness only to let it overcome you? Or do you strive for something better? Do you reach out with every fiber of your being and defeat all that threatens to pull you down?

But when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember it's only in the black of night that you can see the stars. And those stars will lead you back home.

Don't let the darkness overwhelm you, don't let yourself be lost to the never ending pain of pessimism and unhappiness. We have to find our own stars and come home, it's never too late to come back home.

new surrender

We will all come to the point in our life where we have to admit that we feel defeated, that something has conquered us. We must change, not because we want to, but because we desperately have to. We can not take life in its current suffocating state, even to admit such desperation shows that we are feeling deserted, wandering the barren desert, a shell of our former selves. It is only up from here, it is impossible to sink any lower into ourselves or our circumstances. But we can be salvaged, a deliverance. No vice can stand, no fix can take. The thorn in the side can be removed, but you have to be willing to admit and surrender. Surrender your habits, your lifestyle, your past, your present, and your future. This is your new surrender. The new surrender.
Stephen Christian

just like you imagined

Have you ever had a dream? A hope? A wish? Those dreams, wishes, and hopes are what ultimately shape us. By striving towards goals, towards betterment, we push ourselves and demand dedication. There are many times when it feels like going forward is impossible, like we aren't capable of reaching those things we want to, but that belief is a lie instilled in us by our own insecurities.

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go.
T.S. Eliot

We can only hope to get better by pushing ourselves past those self-imposed limits. Success isn't something that just happens, it requires hard work, desire, and usually failure. In order to truly appreciate success we have to experience failure, we have to be able to take that defeat and turn it into motivation. Use it to drive us and pull us through those times when our task seems insurmountable. If we never tried to get better, we would never find out that every one of us is destined for great things. The amount of potential within the soul of every person is incomprehensible. So go ahead. Dream, wish, hope. Imagine. Imagine a world where you can do whatever you set you mind to. Imagine a time when failure is a defining process rather than a discouraging one. Imagine a life where, no matter how many times you fall, you keep going until, ultimately, you've become better than you were the day before.

open your eyes

please understand something, there are always going to be doubts, there are always going to be fears. The hardest part of this life is overcoming those doubts and growing from them. Realizing that, even though it's hard, we can always make it through with a little help. Don't let a little apprehension ruin something you've worked for for so long. Trust in the Lord and He will direct your path.

There is suffering in life and there are defeats. No one can avoid them, but it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggle for your dreams than to be defeated without ever even knowing what you're fighting for.

pieces

There are some times in our lives when all we want to do is give up, when we feel like we've been torn into so many pieces that there is nothing left. We've all hit that point, we've all faced those things that bring us down to that lowest level. The thing is though, when we fall so hard, when we're brought to our knees, we're in the perfect position to pray. It's when we've fallen so far that we can see how much we need help, trying to rebuild yourself on your own is an insurmountable task. How lucky for us that there is a way prepared to help us become whole again. I have a firm belief and faith in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and I know that He can help us overcome anything that threatens to pull us down. He wants to help us and He wants us to be better.

I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I’ve lost so much along the way

Then I see your face
I know I’m finally yours
I find everything
I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole

I’ve come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your hand

When I see your face
I know I’m finally yours
I find everything
I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole

He wants to help us become whole once again.

we'll be okay

The night is long over, but we're all still wide awake.
Huddled together, just hoping this moment won't fade away.
The sunlight makes it's way up the field toward us again,
marking the end of this.

Because everyone's going their separate ways,
sometimes things just change,
but we'll never forget who we were that day
so don't be afraid, cause we'll be okay.

Carved out our love and we all broke our hearts together.
These are the times that define who we are forever.
It's hard to leave, you're just memories that I'm thinking of
that mark the end of this.

Because everyone's going their separate ways,
sometimes things just change,
but we'll never forget who we were that day
so don't be afraid, cause we'll be okay.

and sometimes it's hard when everything changes,
sometimes it feels like the world's unfolding.
This is when the impossible becomes possible.

It's hard to leave, you're just memories that I'm thinking of
that mark the end of this.

Because everyone's going their separate ways,
sometimes things just change,
but we'll never forget who we were that day
so don't be afraid, cause we'll be okay.

So unafraid we hadn't lived,
we'll be okay.
Without a care in the whole world,
we'll be okay.

who we are

We meet a lot of people on a day to day basis, but every once in a while you meet that person who will have a lasting impact, that person who has helped define who you are. Some people may not stay in our lives as long as others, but that doesn't diminish the impact they can have on us. I've had experiences where mere hours have changed my perspectives forever. Usually when we meet a person who has such an impact, it's through good circumstances and happy times, but our trials and challenges fuel that refining fire as well. Avoiding hard times is like trying to hold water in a cracked bucket. Some people may enter our lives and tear us down to the very lowest level, but sometimes that is what we need.

I know all the years and the places
The fears, the lonely faces,
scars, and broken hearts have made us who we are.
We're always writing a new history
And redefining you and me.
And though I know we've come so far,
We will begin again.

No one really wants to face challenges or feel insecure, but that's how we learn, that's how we begin to appreciate our blessings. It's been said that we can never know the sweet until we've tasted the bitter. Understanding that those difficulties are what make us better people is key to making it through our trials. Those times when we've been torn open to the very core are often the times that truly define us. We discover our true potential when we can see that we've fallen so far, but we continue on. We learn, we grow, we fall again. We succeed.

you're not alone

The question "why?" is brought up many times a day in anyones life, but often we aren't supposed to know the answer. Why do people have to argue? Why can't we find peace? Why do good people die? Why do I feel so alone? Some of these questions can only be answered by ourselves, but others may never be resolved while we're alive. One thing that has always brought me more comfort is knowing that I am never alone, in this chaotic world filled with shifting values and uncertain futures, I can always count on the knowledge that I have a loving Father in Heaven. Being LDS has provided me with the knowledge that I, not only, am a child of God, but that I can communicate and receive comfort and reconciliation whenever I need that helping hand.

You're not alone,
there is more to this i know.
You can make it out,
you will live to tell.

We don't always know what is in store for us or why something happens, but knowing everything happens for a reason puts it in perspective. Knowing that God has a plan is all we really need. No matter how alone we feel, how far the depths of despair have taken us, how many people have walked out. We are never alone. You are never alone.

This is not an easy task. It is intended to be difficult, challenging, and ultimately refining

hear you me

May angels lead you in,
hear you me, my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go,
may angels lead you in.

Is it ever the "right" time for someone to leave this life? Sometimes a death is expected, other times it is the last thing you could imagine, but no matter the timing or circumstances, it is never easy. This week has been one that I hope doesn't become common for me, on Saturday our institute director Brother Van passed away and today one of Josh's best friends, Matt, also passed on. Two very different circumstances, but similar feelings could be found. At Brother Van's funeral service there was much talk of good times and most of it was spent honoring the many great things Brother Van had done in his life. You could tell that Brother Van was at peace as was his family. Matt's passing wasn't quite as expected. He was involved in an accident on Monday and didn't make it through his surgery today. I've never met Matt, but he knew who I was and wrote me a letter asking me to do him a favor. From his words I could tell he was at peace with whatever happened and that he was ok with dying. He was only in his mid-20's, but he knew that even when we aren't expecting things, we have to take them in stride. None of us know when our time here is going to be fulfilled, but that gives us every reason to live in the moment and love with everything that we have. We weren't sent here just to be alive, we were sent to live and to enjoy. Who knows the impact we might have on those around us? Who can put on paper the number of people we influence in one day? When our time comes are we going to be happy we lived, or disappointed that we didn't get enough time? The decision is ours and ours alone.

to all the crowded rooms

Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul.

All people enjoy music, but to truly understand music and feel the connection it has on the soul is a quality many strive for. To me, music is more than just pretty words arranged with a nice melody. Music is feeling, music is soul, music is passion. Take away any of those qualities and music becomes just a tune, background noise lost in the chaos of life. Whether it is the hauntingly beautiful melody, the steadily pulsing beat, or the astoundingly profound lyrics, a song will affect every person a little differently. The ability for music to cater to so many different personalities and still be sincere in every aspect is what gives a song it's true power. I have the utmost respect for musicians and lyricists because of the impact they've had, not only in my life, but in the life of so many of my friends. Music is one of the greatest things to grace this planet and my life has been changed more than once by music. Being able to be a part of the emotions created by a band is a feeling unlike anything else. Connecting with the music brings definition to times of confusion and struggle. I couldn't imagine a life without music, without the joy brought by the passion of creation.

And I'll give blood to your dry veins
We do this for the passion and not the fashion or fame

We will capture you in open arms
When you're tired and alone

thunder

one thing I really love about Texas is the storms. In Utah when it rains, it's just kind of depressing and cloudy and drizzly, but Texas, now that's a whole new story. Rains in Texas come with thunder, lightning, power. The pure beauty of a storm can only be appreciated with all the elements involved. Thrashing rain, cracking lightning, booming thunder, the elements that terrify you, yet amaze you at the same time. The power behind a storm is incomprehensible and unrestrained, it's a power similar to so many of the emotions we experience in our lives. Just as we can't control or predict a storm, our lives change so often that trying to work everything out is like trying to catch a storm. Emotions are unpredictable, people affect us in ways we didn't expect, we lose those closest to us. We are constantly rocked and battered by the storms of life, but is that a reason not to appreciate them? Yes, a storm can do so much damage, but think of the rain. Think of the life brought by what many fear. That's the thing about storms, they can be things of destruction or things of beauty. It's all in how we look at it. Perspective is everything in life. Those storms that may have seemingly destroyed everything may actually have been the best thing to happen in life. Some people don't realize that we're supposed to experience storms. Life isn't supposed to be perfect, we can't spend our whole lives trying to wait for that perfect opportunity. We can't spend our whole lives waiting for it to get better. We have to make our own lives better, we have to use the storms to help us grow.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass,
it's about learning to dance in the rain"

Coffee Break

Sometimes I have a really hard time realizing that I'm actually an adult. I no longer depend on my parents for things, I have a full time job, I'm going to school. I miss being able to just sit and watch Disney movies, being able to take naps during the day, being able to sit and read a book without a deadline. Now life is filled with being thrown into the fire and growing up a lot faster than anybody wants. Everyone feels like they have to be involved in everything and eventually we're so caught up in our responsibilities that time to relax and be free is nearly non-existent. Sleep begins to take a back seat so that we can socialize and have fun, but isn't that how life is supposed to be? Always full, never time to stop and smell the roses, never time to be young again. That's what it means to be an adult, right? Same might answer that with a yes, but I beg to differ. No matter what anyone tells me, I refuse to believe that being an adult means not getting to do what you want. Not getting to spend a day or two of life being a kid again.

'Cause I've overcommitted myself
I guess this is growing up
I'm sleeping so little these days
I guess this is growing up.

Sometimes I feel like I'm so busy trying to make my life work, trying to get an education and work and be better that I don't have the time to go frolic in the rain, I don't have the time to go roll around in the mud. But I guess this is growing up.

paper walls, shadows and regrets

"Let's take what hurts and write it all down
on these paper walls in this empty house
and when our ink runs out, we'll burn it to the ground."

We all have our own paper walls in life, paper walls filled with doubts, mistakes, or regrets. Everyone is going to regret a decision at one point in their life, everyone is going to make mistakes, everyone is going to doubt, however, the real question is how we deal with these things. The things we once did shouldn't have any control over how we now live, we have to burn through those in order to grow and become the best versions of ourselves. When we dwell on what once was, the mistakes we've made or the pain we've felt, we can't progress. Living in the past will never make our future better, life is now. Not a month ago, not four years ago. Now. Here and now is when we take all those hardships and regrets and use them to define us, to become all that we were always meant to be. Regret is a fact of life, but we can't regret forever. Maybe we made a bad decision, maybe we failed, but what if it happened like that for a reason? Life isn't perfect, it isn't supposed to be. It's supposed to test us, to make us realize that we are so much better than what we think. People severely underestimate themselves, we don't see how strong we are and that we were only given this life because we are strong enough to live it.

"and we hoped for the best
and let go of the rest.
The shadows and regrets,
we let go of the rest"

a twist in my story

We never really know what life is going to bring. We try and plan out every detail of our lives, but when it's all over do we go back and think, "my life went exactly as I planned it"? I beg to differ, we all have those visions of grandeur, the beautiful plans that will lead to eventual happiness and success, but it never happens like that. Where would the fun of life be without a little twist every once in a while? I've come to realize that we need to take life as it comes and be happy we've lived it to it's fullest. We didn't come to this earth to just be alive, to go through the motions and go step by step until we die. No we came here to live. To take life by the reins and make everyday better than the last. We can't always control our circumstances or experiences, but we can control our attitude and how we react to those difficulties which befall us. We can control how we influence others around us.



6 months ago I didn't even know what rugby was, but now life without it is incomprehensible. My college experience can't be separated from the game and I wouldn't have it any other way. My team means more to me than life itself.

and in the end... it all works out

After much debate and stress the final decision regarding South Africa was reached. Right now it's just not right for me and I have other things I need to be doing this summer. It's really hard for me to not go, just because of the immense opportunity it is, not only is it a place I've always wanted to go, but it's also the national rugby team. The possibilities for learning and becoming better are huge. but sometimes it's not in the cards, sometimes we don't know why we aren't supposed to do something, we just know it's not right. There's a quote I love that captures some feelings about hard decisions and about things that are difficult for us.

"...that pain you feel, that's life. The confusion and fear is there to remind you that somewhere out there, there's something better, and that something is worth fighting for."

We don't know what is in store for us, only God truly knows what the best path for us is and His guidance will never lead us astray. That I know and that is something which brings me a great deal of comfort. My life is mine to live and I don't know what's in store for me, but I do know that right now, I'm happy and in the end, that's all that matters

Insanity *10+1

I really think I'm losing my mind. The stress of trying to find a job, wondering if I'm going to South Africa, and not being with my parents right now is seriously giving me a migraine. I just wanted this summer to be relaxing, I wanted to go to concerts [which I'm still planning on doing], hang out with my best friends, go to Kentacohut, and just have a summer to relax. But so end the fantasy and begins what my life will surely be like for the next 3 years. Where did the summers go when you could sleep in and have time to actually relax and read a novel? I just want Kelsey, Josh, and Colleen to come home so we can have a movie night and talk about boys. I just want things to work out

Is this really happening?

Well my summer hadn't been too eventful, just lots of catching up and seeing old friends... until about 2 hours ago. So a few months ago I went to a try-out for the under-20 national rugby team. I really didn't think I had a chance to make the team, but it was an opportunity for me to learn. The team was announced and surprisingly I made it as an alternate. I was happy with that result, I still got my name announced, but I didn't have to pay for a trip to South Africa (which also means I didn't get to play in South Africa). Even though I didn't make the actual team, I was happy. Then Bryn (the head coach) emails me and says to give him a call, which I proceed to do. Turns out a spot's opened up on the team and I'm first in line to fill it. So now my head is spinning. I mean, I have a chance to play for the United States National Rugby team... for the minuscule fee of flying to South Africa. That and it's two weeks I won't be working, that's if my job (which I don't even have yet) lets me have that much time off.

This is definitely something that I need to sleep on.